Dan Savage Can’t Count
April 26th, 2006I usually like Dan Savage, but he has the tendency to say really stupid offensive things about a) the female body and how disgusting cunnilingus/vaginas/etc are and b) bisexuality. From this week’s column:
Very few bisexual women wind up “sharing their lives” with other women; like most bisexuals, male and female, you are in—or were in—a stable, loving, committed, opposite-sex relationship. And, hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m a fan of stable, loving, committed, opposite-sex relationships. Really. And I no longer believe that most bisexuals wind up in them because you’re all liars and cheats, or that you’re all dying to access societal perks reserved for heterosexuals, or that you’re all cowards and it’s hard out here for a homo. I think most bisexuals wind up in heterosexual relationships because most bisexuals are mostly hetero. You may be physically attracted to both sexes, but most of you can only fall in love with an opposite-sex partner.
Yes, yes—there are some bi guys out there with guys and bi girls with girls. But they are the exceptions to the rule, and there’s nothing bi-phobic about calling attention to their rarity. And before angry bisexuals start pounding away at their keyboards, consider this: My current position on bisexuals winding up with opposite-sex partners (you’re mostly straight) is a hell of a lot more charitable than my previous position (you’re cowards, liars, cheats, etc.).
First of all, this has almost nothing to do with the letter he’s answering.
Second, yes, Dan, this is extraordinarily biphobic. You are denying the validity of the bisexual identity. Just because you’re not as incredibly ignorant as you were once upon a time doesn’t mean this attitude is acceptable.
Okay, let’s look at some facts:
1. Anywhere from 1-10% of the population is homosexual. (Depending on the study you trust.)
2. This makes finding an opposite-sex partner much easier than finding a same-sex partner if you are attracted to both. It’s a matter of population proportion.
3. Many homosexual people such as yourself tend to be prejudiced about dating bisexuals. As a matter of fact, you have given advice to monosexual people NOT to date bisexuals for a variety of bigoted and ignorant reasons in the past. (Your proposed solution, that bisexuals only date other bisexuals, would be wonderful for some of us if that were a practical attitude to take given the relatively small number of bisexuals in society.)
4. Given that it is statistically easier to find a heterosexual partner and that many homosexuals are distrustful of bisexuals and don’t wish to date them, I think it makes sense that many bisexual people end up with opposite sex partners.
5. I’m not straight. I’m not even “mostly” straight. (And what is that distinction, anyway? All I can think of is The Princess Bride. “He’s mostly dead, not ALL dead. Mostly dead is still partly alive.”) I’m a big huge dyke who happens to occasionally meet people of the male persuasion with whom the idea of romantic involvement doesn’t strike me as unpleasant. That said, I never seem to meet any nice lesbians so I guess I’m stuck. Maybe if I move to Boulder, huh?
I don’t care if this attitude is a slight improvement over the things you’ve previously written. And I don’t think it’s whining to point out that, as far as non-monosexual orientations go (because bisexual, straight, and gay aren’t the only options), you’re an ignorant asshole.
That is all.
April 27th, 2006 at 4:00 am
Ugh. I lost all of my bookmarks when I changed computers (my mom is supposed to e-mail me my file with them, but that’ll happen when hell freezes over), and with that I stopped reading Savage Love. I can’t say that I miss it. Yeah, sometimes Dan gives good advice, but I can’t deal with his misogyny. His biphobia doesn’t really sweeten the deal, either.
I like how I am deemed “mostly straight” by a guy who knows nothing about me, or my past, or my current life. Oh, wait, maybe I’m not even bi/pan because I’ve only had sex with one girl and never dated any yet. Damn, Dan, thanks for opening my eyes about the truth!
April 28th, 2006 at 6:31 am
i think what his statements fail to consider is that a bisexual person who ends up with someone of the opposite gender is STILL bisexual. they’re not suddenly straight. nor are they suddenly gay if the person is of the same gender. they’re bisexual whichever way you cut it.
April 28th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
tekanji: Exactly. Mostly his columns are good, give good advice, or at least have interesting letters in that “car wreck, can’t look away” sort of way. But…gah. Some of his advice? “Your wife gained 20 pounds? Divorce her!” Total lack of awareness about the fact that people, maybe…age? Change?
midwesterntransport: Pretty much. So many gay people seem to act like bi/pansexuals are “traitors” or “liars” if they happen to end up with a partner of the opposite gender. It’s not as if we really have too much of a choice who we happen to be attracted to, fall in love with…sometimes it’s totally surprising. That doesn’t mean we suddenly cease to be queer.
April 29th, 2006 at 10:42 am
I too find it incredibly difficult to meet “nice” (I hate that word, but I know exactly what you mean) women for relationships. There are very few people with whom I want to have a relationship and the odds of meeting someone are so much smaller when you’re bascially restricted to lesbian and bi women. So far in my life, I’ve met about 4 women who I felt interested in and, unfortunately, not one of those relationships developed as I would have liked. I’m really hoping my lesbianism isn’t going to relegate me to a lonely death in a garret somewhere! But I just can’t fall for men - much as I love my male friends.
April 29th, 2006 at 10:52 am
I totally sympathize, Winter. The consensus between a lot of pan/bi people seems to be — “well, I’m really picky about who I want to have relationships with…and if I limited myself to one gender I’d never meet anybody”, which definitely describes me.
April 30th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
and me too. I will only date someone who doesn’t think I’m crazy (and preferably agrees with me) when I express radical feminist views. Male or female or even *gasp* some other gender. I fall for the person not the gender.
Grr, just grr. But this, along with his misogyny, is why I stopped reading Dan Savage a long time ago.
Grr.
May 1st, 2006 at 5:42 am
Ok, but can I just raise one issue here? I know you don’t mean it this way at all, but this “I fall in love with the person rather than the gender” can sound offensive to people who are orientated one way or the other. Again, I’m sure this isn’t what you meant, but I hear it a lot from bisexual/pan sexual people and it can sound kinda superior because there’s an implication that we don’t fall in love with the person! What do we fall in love with then? A set of genitals? Do you see what I mean? But there’s nothing I can do to make myself fall in love with a man. I don’t know why. You can’t help your desire and I think it’s important to remember that.
May 1st, 2006 at 5:53 am
I guess what I’m trying to say is, yes, critique our culture’s mania for sex and gender categorization and follow your desire beyond the constraints of heteronormativity, that’s all fantastic, but it would be a bad thing if bisexual/pansexual experience started to ellide or be positioned as superior to lesbian, gay and heterosexual experience by “virtue” of apparently being more fluid and unstable…. I think. This is probably going to turn into a separate post.
May 1st, 2006 at 9:58 am
Oh Winter, that’s not what I meant. I guess I always thought of it like that, but I don’t think one is superior to the other. Obviously my biological makeup has made it possible for me to be attracted to all genders, that’s not something any of us can change.
Sorry that it came off that way and I will try to find a better way of putting that in the future. Thanks for pointing it out.
May 1st, 2006 at 11:26 am
I think a good way of putting it is “sex/gender is not the most important factor in attraction for me.” Personality, compatible attitudes and belief systems, common interests, and sense of humor are what attract me to a person first and foremost. Looks, sex, and gender are also important aspects of a person but are really a secondary consideration: I could fall in love with someone totally hideous if they had an agreeable personality and think they were the sexiest person on Earth, because it’s really people’s thoughts and ideas I find attractive, personally, pretty much to the exclusion of any other factors. I think it’s just a matter of what we are personally attracted to in people, and that will be different for everyone.
May 8th, 2006 at 9:16 am
Hi,
This post has been nominated for inclusion in the next edition of the Carnival of Bent Attractions. However, since it wasn’t nominated by you personally, I wanted to check with you before including it. In case you’re interested, here’s my take on this Carnival - http://www.multidimensional.me.uk/2006/04/26.html#a396
Bottom line, if you don’t want me to include your post, either say “no”, or say nothing (either by email to me at koanbremner [at] gmail [dot] com or in a reply to this comment) - without a “yes”, I won’t include it.
Cheers,
Koan
May 8th, 2006 at 10:04 am
Koan: Oh, sure, go ahead! I don’t mind.
May 10th, 2006 at 2:34 am
No sooner the word than the deed! This post is featured in the sixth edition of the Carnival of Bent Attractions - enjoy!
Koan
October 18th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
i’ve never had a problem with dan’s “cuntophobia” as he calls it. i expect it from a gay man. if he liked vaginas, he wouldn’t likely be a homo, now would he? he’s all for lesbian rights, and he has no patience with straight men who won’t go down on their girlfriends, as he fully expects anyone attracted to women to take on the whole package, as it were. i find his aversion to female genitalia comical–it doesn’t offend me. it’s not misogyny (hatred of women),
October 18th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
I don’t expect him to be interested in or attracted to vaginas. I expect him not to go on and on at length about how gross and disgusting my body is, however. I know plenty of gay men who are polite and respectful even if they’re not attracted to female bodies. They’re capable of acting mature about it. Hatred of and disgust for female bodies is misogyny.
November 7th, 2006 at 11:18 am
[...] And that goes for me, too! But while we’re on the subject of “toxic” - it never ceases to sadden me that individuals of one non-hetero persuasion, while claiming the right to their own existence, will gladly denigrate or seek to nullify the validity of the existence of individuals of another non-hetero persuasion. On “Definition“, earlbecke recently took one homosexual blogger to task for some comments which that blogger made about bisexual people: Second, yes, Dan, this is extraordinarily biphobic. You are denying the validity of the bisexual identity. Just because youÕre not as incredibly ignorant as you were once upon a time doesnÕt mean this attitude is acceptable. [...]
May 29th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
I got here via a convoluted path through a series of feminist blogs that originated at Girlwonder.org. I’ve been reading through your archives for awhile and I can’t express how much I agree with what you’re saying.
The reason I finally decided to post a comment is because I wanted to say what a — relief, really — it is to find other bisexuals who feel the way I do! To be able to read the opinions of other bisexuals who are expressing the same thoughts that I had to struggle with and develop on my own (being rather cloistered in an *extremely* conservative religious environment) it is like wandering through a foreign country and meeting a whole conclave of people that speak my language. Sometimes I feel a bit icky about being bi because of the stigma attached — I’m not “really” queer because I’m really just trying to attract guys by being different/can’t admit that I’m really a lesbian/want to experiment but deep down just like dick/or some other opinion that just feels invalidating. And *then* there’s the straight side of it — fear from my boyfriend that I’m going to cheat on him with another girl, or that he’s not enough for me because he’s not a woman; propositions from random people on Myspace for threesomes because I have “bi” down as my sexuality — it’s all quite frustrating. It’d be “easier” to be monosexual, but that’s not what I am, and a long time ago I promised myself I’d never pretend to be what I’m not just because it’d make life easier, because then what would life really be, always behind a mask?
Argh, I didn’t really mean to babble like this — I guess I just kind of got carried away. Sorry!