There are very few things which I think are requirements for someone to be considered “feminist”. People can believe, for the most part, whatever the hell they want. I don’t have to agree with everything every other feminist says or does. They don’t have to agree with me. We don’t have to have the same ideas on politics, economics, class, education, literature, movies, clothing, cosmetics, shaving.

I won’t say, for example, that wearing high heels and makeup makes someone a “bad” feminist. Although you’re never going to convince me that, at this moment in time, a woman who chooses to adorn herself in this fashion is truly making a choice free of cultural influence and social conditioning — it’s still a personal decision and it’s not mine to make. Things like this, the small things, the trivial things, are still feminist issues, and they’re big ones because they’re so insidious and pervasive, but they pale in comparison to the truly horrific problems that women face in this world. I don’t care how you like to dress or what kind of sex you like to have; when we live in a world with rape, domestic violence, and female genital mutilation, I’ll take any ally who agrees on the basic concept of human rights. If the only issue we disagree on is lipstick or even BDSM, we have more in common than not.

I won’t even put stipulations on most of the bigger issues. I’m a big, huge, idealistic anarchocommunist — but I won’t say that anyone else has to be. I think there’s lots of room to work with on most issues. Different people have different opinions and experiences, and I’m glad for that diversity of thought. (On that note, the people who think that feminism is one cohesive delusional body which feeds its own beliefs through a loop of unquestioning positive feedback have obviously never actually seen a group of feminists trying — and failing — to have a rational discussion on a topic like, say, sex work.)

But there are a very few stipulations which I consider essential for someone to be a “good” feminist, and if these criteria are not met, well, that person can consider themselves a feminist all they want, but that doesn’t mean I’ll respect their opinions.
One the things I think is unacceptable in a “real” feminist is transphobia.

A feminist should never reject the experience or identity of a transwoman as being invalid, of being lesser than cisgendered women, of not being “real” — in general, or until she takes hormones, or until she undergoes SRS, or whatever predefined criteria said feminist happens to have. A feminist should never insist that transwomen are actually men and thus, that they have no place in feminism and no protection under it (or that transmen are women who are “betraying the cause” in order to “gain” male privilege, as the case may be). I understand that this attitude casts a number of prominent and influential feminist thinkers of the past and present as “bad” feminists, and that’s unfortunate but, I think, also necessary. Transphobia should never be tolerated from a self-proclaimed feminist.

Let me explain why. It’s not merely an issue of respect for marginalized people, and it’s not merely because those who hold this attitude are dismissing the perfectly valid experiences of different kinds of women (as mainstream feminism has famously done not only with transwomen, but also lesbians, poor women, women of color, and so on). These side-effects are horrible and inexcusable, but the real issue is that, at the root of transphobia are all the beliefs that feminism is supposed to be fighting.

The insistence that transwomen are not “real” women, is, at its heart, fueled by the idea that biology equals destiny: the idea that one’s body parts define that person completely, that there is no individual room for change or variation, that a woman is only as good as her ability to give birth (therefore, as good as her uterus), or to serve as a sex object (therefore, as good as her vagina, as good as her breasts), or as a caretaker, a mother, a housewife, a passive decoration (therefore, as good as her ability to conform to “acceptable” gender roles).

And that, no matter how you disguise it or dress it up, no matter what excuses you might give about male privilege or socialization or experience in a transwoman’s history, is not feminism.

This is why transphobia is so deeply harmful to feminism as a whole. It hurts not only the statistically small minority of transgendered people within the movement, but also anyone else who believes in the idea that a woman is more than her vagina, more than her womb, more than her own victimization and oppression. Transphobia reduces everyone to a collection of parts, to be examined and scrutinized in order to see if they stand up to the test of being “good” or “real” enough — to see if they “deserve” rights and recognition.

Anyone can call themselves a feminist. Anyone can say they are whatever they want to say they are. But if they espouse ideals and opinions which run directly contrary to the ideology they claim to support and represent, they are no ally of mine.

I “love” (meaning: hate) how people keep taking my open letter completely out of context, or simply, completely misreading it, or insisting there are ideas or malice in it that just aren’t there. Do you people honestly think this is how I feel about all men, ever? Or that I don’t realize that not all men are like that? (But far too many are, and far too many men like this think they’re being sympathetic to the cause when they’re really perpetuating the same sexist heirarchy yet again–which is the POINT.) Maybe, you know, certain “liberal” men do some of those things and not others, or they don’t do any of them but can’t see it when other men do, or that maybe sometimes they’re just huge sexist pigs who think that by hiding behind a shroud of “liberalism” they can get away with it? Saying you’re one thing and then acting like the exact opposite doesn’t work. Or that I don’t think that, fundamentally, people are people regardless of context? (I got a comment to this effect, actually. “PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE!” Yeah…that’s what the whole damn blog is about if you bothered to find out what I’m about, but I suppose you somehow missed that or something.) Did you bother to actually, like, read anything I’ve written before feeling the need to spew self-righteous defensiveness everywhere?

(This said, I’ve gotten a few thoughtful comments from people who didn’t quite understand what I meant or thought my statements were problematic, worded in a respectful way. Fine. Great! Constructive discourse ensues! Careful, we might accidentally make this a trend.)

Read my other, more serious posts, before assuming you have any idea what I think or what you are talking about when you criticize me. Especially since I specifically wrote some of them to pre-empt this kind of criticism. This blog is less than two weeks old, there’s not too much you have to wade through. Thank you.

EDIT: Apparently, the issue is that my tone is “hostile”. Any time a woman confidently expresses her displeasure with something, she’s being “too angry” or “overemotional” or “hostile”. I’m sorry my not being all nice and full of rainbows has somehow single-handedly brought down the entire feminist movement by alienating men who aren’t very good “allies” to begin with. (I’ve also been told I “hurt the feminist movement” and “give feminists a bad name”. I have only two things to say: feminists had a GOOD name? Dear lord, when? And, of course, well-behaved women rarely make history. I think I’m off to a good start so far if this is any indication. Soon, the WORLD!) I’m hostile against hypocritical people, yeah. If you want to see hostility: FUCK YOU. I HAVE OPINIONS. DEAL WITH IT. Have a nice day.

Dear antifeminist men who like to try leaving comments on my blog,

It’s cute that you actually think anyone cares. Really, I find your idealism quite endearing, but this is the real world, sweetie. Maybe if you tried to be nicer. Then you wouldn’t scare people off with your “radical” message. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, after all.

I also think, from your comments, that you are all really overgeneralizing. You all tried to post comments on the same blog entry, most of you obviously without reading any of the content on this site, so accusing all feminists of acting a certain way and believing certain things, especially when you have clearly made no effort to understand what I believe and why, is a tiny bit unfair of you. Conversely, if you don’t take me seriously enough to understand me and form a decent, well-reasoned argument, then I certainly don’t need to waste any time taking you seriously either.

I’d like to thank you all for enlightening me with your abusive comments. For instance, I would never have known that a woman cannot be both intelligent and attractive, because intelligence is only developed as a compensatory mechanism in order to attract a male mate. Little did I know that all the gorgeous, intelligent women I know, myself included (it’s my site, I can actually like how I look, thank you), are actually just faking it all for attention or exist only in my imagination. Also, thank you for making me aware of the nonexistence of lesbians and gay men, and especially people who do not fit into the traditional binary concept of sex and gender. We queers weren’t marginalized enough already. Really.

And, as a matter of fact, I, too, sometimes find it troubling that some of you were ever given the right to vote. After all, how can it not be troubling that those who believe not everyone deserves basic human rights are helping make important political decisions? However, the difference between you and me is that even if I don’t like you, I still think everyone has the right to vote. Yes, novel, I know, because I realize that we feminists are all hypocrites who want able-bodied white heterosexual rich men to be stripped naked and kept in cages all day while we engage in satanic lesbian orgies at the UN. (And before you protest that you didn’t say that, I recall seeing the vast lesbian feminist new world order conspiracy being leveled on the internet a couple of years ago, and I assume it’s reasonable to believe all antifeminists subscribe the same set of ideas and values, since it’s certainly true about us!)

Finally: why do you hate women? Your comments, to me, really seem to genuinely be expressing a hate for women. You may not think your comments are misogynistic, but I really sense a lot of resentment. Have you been hurt or rejected by strong, gorgeous, intelligent, somewhat intimidating women in the past? While I love people of all sexes and genders, and genuinely respect all men, inasmuch as they are human beings worthy of respect, even when they say unbelievably stupid things, you seem treat women as if they are a lower form of life. If you hate us so much, why do you want to have sex with us and marry us? No, really, I realize now that we’re all disgusting and nasty and stupid and gross, so I will henceforth stop being attracted to anything that looks remotely female, but I’m worried. Where the women I’ve known often treat me with a certain level of acceptance and support, how will I ever land a man if you all hate us so much? Why would you want us, if we’re so awful? Even if I weren’t a feminist and conformed to all your contradictory expectations, apparently, you still wouldn’t want me.

But anyway, I don’t have a lot of time and I want to keep this short. Just one final, heartfelt, sincere “THANK YOU” for showing me the error of my ways through the use of profanity, attempted intimidation, and a complete ignorance of the concept of satire (you thought the SCUM Manifesto was serious? REALLY? and where did I mention it anywhere on my site except now, since you brought it up?). Now that I know how evil feminists and our suffrage and everything is, I’ll immediately take down my site and stop being attracted to girls and shave my legs and wear a bra and quit my job as a psychic and get a good, godly career at McDonald’s or something until I land myself a man and can pop out five or six babies like my mom did in Utah!

After all, I can only assume that’s what you want me to do. Otherwise, why would you spend so much time and effort attempting to convince me of the error of my ways when I’m obviously not going to listen to anything you have to say?

NEWSFLASH, world!

I do not care if you find me physically attractive or not.

Mind you, I know that many of you do. I think I’m hot, too. I’m not trying to sound conceited although there will always be someone who misinterprets this post this way. But I am truly, for the most part, happy about what I look like. I don’t see anything not to love, and the stuff I don’t quite accept unconditionally yet I’m working on. This is not something that has come easily to me, liking myself; it doesn’t come easily to any woman who’s been exposed to this world. It doesn’t matter where you are, even in the most primitive and isolated part of the globe; if you have magazines or television you’ve been bombarded with the message of the unobtainable ideal.

But fuck you all if you think that I somehow need your approval in order to allow myself this. Don’t think that by gracing me with your assessment of me I will be so overcome with gratitude that I will drop to my knees and blow you. Chances are, you’re probably staring at me and totally creeping me out. Not a good way to get me to like you back.

But if you think I’m intellectually sexy, I’ll take that as the highest compliment available.

… who just don’t understand why women could possibly be impatient or annoyed with them.

Dear Straight Guys,

I respectfully submit that perhaps, if you really want to be seen as an understanding or sensitive individual, that you need to start treating women as people. This goes clear down to your core: it’s not enough to pretend you understand this, it’s not enough to think that, so long as your sexism is benign and not overt and is carefully disguised as either concern or misguided admiration, that we will somehow ignore or appreciate the specialized sort of attention that you give. You need to change the way you think, the very way that you perceive your world.

1. So, first of all, it doesn’t all revolve around you. If I am discussing sexism or the unique difficulties women face, I can understand and appreciate the frustrations that men also grapple with in our society. Really, the problem isn’t so much men and women as the fact that all powerful institutions want to make everyone feel worthless, so that we will do whatever they tell us to. But, for now, I am talking about women and women’s unique position in the world, and it is not about the big picture. It is about us. About me. Your tangents derail the conversation and shift the focus so that the issues I want to raise are ignored. This is the problem.

This is symptomatic of a greater issue: the fact that men are trained to keep the focus on themselves. It’s not the conscious insecurity of the male ego which causes this to happen, but rather, the result in living in a culture which focuses on men the majority of the time. When attempting to give women equal time, and an equal voice, the fifty-fifty split (or, since this doesn’t exist yet in reality, even the attempt to approach it) seems unbalanced and skewed to the minds of many men. Women trying to have an equal voice seem to be silencing the men, simply because the men are not the ones currently talking about the current topic.

Resist the urge to assert yourself in defense of the male voice. We’ve already heard it, and doubtless we will hear it again. Save it until we’re finished. Do it somewhere else.

2. Second of all, it doesn’t all revolve around you. Whether or not you find someone attractive, whether or not anybody else might possibly find someone attractive, whether a woman is pretty or not: it’s not relevant to feminist discussion. EVER. We should not be valued based on our attractiveness to men. We should not be considered only in this context. When I am talking about women who behave in a traditionally unladylike manner, or who are unconventionally attractive, or are in any way otherwise outside the gender norm, their saving grace is not that they still happen to make your particular penis happy. So you like her. Big fucking deal. It’s not about what you like. Women will be who they are regardless if you, you in particular, happen to approve of them or not.

It’s rude and condescending to act this way. This, again, detracts from the focus of the discussion. This devalues women as unique individuals with opinions and ideas and lives. Our worth should never be dependent on other people’s opinions in this way, and least of all in feminist discussion, of all places.

So stop it, already.

3. We are all human beings. We are all similar lumps of fleshy matter that moves and grunts and goes around its daily business. Until you can look at any random woman on the street and see the human being before you start placing significance on the gender presentation, until being human, of any variety, any color, any sexual orientation, any genitalia, any anything, is the nebulous vague default in your mind, you still need to try harder. If you automatically assume a person of unspecified gender or sex is “he”, or white, able-bodied, and heterosexual, that is your problem. And this is why so many of us have no time or patience to try to explain things to you.

4. Speaking of which, I am not required to explain myself. I don’t need to justify myself to anyone but myself, and I sleep well enough at night, thank you. If you don’t understand a concept, certainly, ask. If the answer upsets you, makes you defensive, or confuses you, don’t insist on continuing the conversation. Actually THINK about the answer, and what it was that upset or confused you, and after you have carefully considered what we say, and actually listened, then we can talk some more. But you are not necessarily entitled to have everything placed in a pretty little box for you.

5. I hate that I even have to disclaim that, sure, okay, “not all men are actually like this”. I’m sure in some hypothetical world my sweeping generalizations are grossly inaccurate. But, realistically? In the world I live in and with the men that I know and love and interact with on a daily basis?

You pretty much all do this shit at least some of the time.

If you are one of the handful of men I have met who actually treat women like people, though, this disclaimer won’t mean anything to you. If you aren’t guilty of the offenses I’ve outlined, you aren’t defensive about it. You’re one of those guys who reads the whole list and nods along and then genuinely apologizes for your gender (while not feeling the need to defend yourself by insisting you do not represent these men). You don’t need the disclaimer because my stinging man-hating feminist barbs don’t really hurt.

The rest of you, though, might have a few things to think about.